We live in a time fraught with conflict. At its worst, we have wars and threat of war in several areas of the world. Conflict wreaks havoc in some of our greatest cities by riots, violence and protests. Our local communities might disagree over land management, immigration, zoning and taxes. In our families, we often face conflict over spending practices, life choices, substance abuse and many other issues. Why can’t people just get along?

One of the common refrains we hear is “we need to really talk about this problem.” But we seldom effectively do that, for fear that we’ll encounter conflict and disagreements. Instead we tend to get together with friends who think and behave like us, avoiding topics or people who might have different opinions. We talk about those “other people,” digging ever deeper trenches of fear and anger until we feel there’s only two choices left us: fight or flight. Trouble is, neither of those truly resolve conflict.

My mentor Bob Chadwick had a different, and deeply transformative, approach to peace and conflict. While the classic song urged “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me,” Bob’s favorite t-shirt proclaimed “Let there be conflict on earth – and let me help resolve it.” Across North America, Bob brought together groups of people in deep conflict, teaching them to listen to each other and thereby helping them find their way toward “both-and” instead of “either-or” solutions. Essential to Bob’s approach was teaching people the processes and tools they could use to create ongoing consensus and positive outcomes in their own environments.

Bob had some key elements in his approach that are universal to resolving all types of conflicts.

Universal tips for resolving conflict

• Listen with respect, for understanding the other person’s views. Open your mind to hearing things you may disagree with; it’s OK to disagree but important to understand.
• Relationships precede substance; learn who the people are, how they feel about being with you, their expectations, and how they feel about being in their situation.
• You may already have a “right answer.” But it may not be the only right answer. Listen for how it can be improved.
• Slow down. 
• Create an environment for coming together where people feel safe.
• Common purpose is more important than strategies and actions.
 •We will never eliminate conflict, so we need to understand how to manage the benefits it brings.